Mall Cop Diary
In(s)ane Ramblings Of A Mall Cop

Apr
14
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Apr
14

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted any mall stories from last weekend. That isn’t because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, interesting events did transpire. For example, I suspect the beauty saloon at the mall doctor their mirrors in some way, because when I saw my reflection as I passed by, I thought my ass looked fat.

I may also have discovered a national ring of mothers who use beauty saloons and cosmetic counters as illegal dumping grounds for little children.

But this week is turning out to be a VERY bad week for me. Not only am I not working nearly as fast as I would like on my manuscript, but I am also having technical problems with this blog.

You see, in an effort to make this blog more interactive, I have decided to add Polls. I have big plans for this blog. This week was supposed to be grand as I was going to promote this blog in a big way. 2 artists have agreed to a contest and their entries will be posted on this blog. Readers will be allowed to vote and decide who will be the Illustrator for my upcoming book!

Unfortunately, I have been having trouble with the Polls function. First I couldn’t get it to show up on my blog, then when I could get it to show, I am not happy with its appearance. As you can see, the poll is kinda on the narrow side for my blog. Overall, I am pleased with its design and color scheme, but just want to adjust the width a bit. After messing about with the CSS editor for two days in a row, I am nowhere close to coming up with a decent looking poll. When I asked Polldaddy for advice, they said I could preload the current Poll design I am using to the editor, but I can’t find the option despite looking through all the Polls related links.

If any of you have working knowledge of the WordPress Polls function, please offer your advice here.

That’s all for now. Give me the rest of this week to obsess over the look of my Poll, and I promise I will get back to working on my blog and manuscript next week, even if I still can’t get the Polls to look decent.

Yours Sincerely,
A Mall Cop

Apr
09
Apr
04

Today I was introduced to the evil Time Card.

Hitherto, I was able to avoid having to use a time card like the rest of the employees because I was considered to be only a weekend ‘relief guard’, and not as important as a full-time staff. So no one ever thought of giving me a time card.

And I will make use of this opportunity to answer the questions sent in by some of my readers. They wanted to know why all of my updates took place during the weekends and why they didn’t see my latest posts when they visited my blog on a Saturday or Sunday.

The reason is because when I started working on my manuscript, I decided to take some time off work to work on my book (and blog). Thus, I became a weekend mall cop instead of a full-time one. Due to the long hours at work, I can never find the energy to update my blog immediately after work, so I usually do that on the Mondays or Tuesdays. Because I wish to remain faithful to the ‘plot’ so to speak, I date my blog posts on the Saturdays or Sundays when the incidents happened.

Ok, back to the story now. So as I was saying, I managed to escape the evil time card due to my status as a ‘relief guard’, but recently my chronic lateness was noticed by management staff. Just yesterday, a manager wondered out loud how I managed to be late for work regularly and have some ready-made excuse every single time.

I got cheeky and told him that one of my internet friends just died so I had to attend a funeral in the World of Warcraft. Then I mentally face-palmed myself when I remembered that I used the same excuse before.

Thus, it came as no surprise to me today when I was presented with my very own time card.

By: A Mall Cop

Mar
30

Mall Cop Diary will become more interactive!

I just set up a Gmail account to make it easier for me to communicate with my readers.

Feedback, criticisms or suggestions may be sent to: amallcop (at) gmail (dot) com

If there’s anything you like to see on this blog or in my upcoming book, let me know. Although I do have years of experience in the security industry and those years are indeed stuffed full of anecdotes, I have no way of knowing which particular facet of my job civilians (those who don’t work as security guards) find interesting.

Unless you (the reader) tell me.

By: A Mall Cop

Mar
28

Overheard at the lingerie department…

Man: Hi, may I know if you allow customers to try on your merchandise?

Sales girl: Yes, but only the bras. Not the panties. Hygiene reasons.

The man, dressed smartly in suit and tie of the yuppie persuasion, hesitated for a while before continuing.

Man: So do you allow sniff tests?

Sales girl: What?

Man (somewhat impatiently): I said do you allow sniff tests? Can you show me which undergarments have just been tried on by your customers so I may sniff them?

Sales girl (confused): What?

At this point, she spotted me loitering patrolling the perimeter of the lingerie section and listening intently to the conversation. She, the very attractive sales girl who had hitherto ignored me with haughty disdain, was seeking my aid, appealing to me with her expressive and alluring eyes.

There was only one thing I could do under such circumstances.

I surreptitiously slid behind a shelf in the adjoining kids wear department where I could continue watching the drama unfold without being spotted.

What? Did my readers expect me to charge in grandly on a moral high horse to save the damsel in distress? Mall cops are not heroes. We are to observe and report only, remember? Besides, it would do the inexperienced sales girl good to get out and meet the weirdos of the mall. She needs a thicker skin if she wishes to have a career in the retail industry. Especially within the section of the industry that deals with lingerie.

The unfolding drama ended soon after I settled into position behind my shelf, stocked with perfectly respectable junior-sized jeans. Defeated by the sales girl’s persistent ‘whats’ to his questions, our undergarment fetishist turned his back abruptly and left.

What a party pooper.

By: A Mall Cop

Mar
27

Not too long ago, I read this news article about a mall cop in England who mistook a daddy taking pictures of his son to be a pedophile.

Yes, due to the incomprehensible behaviour of some shoppers and the hereditary* suspicious nature of mall cops, unfortunate misunderstandings like that tend to crop up nine times out of ten.

Having learned my lesson, I declined to pass judgment when a middle-aged Japanese businessman approached me to inquire if we have life-sized Hannah Montana dolls in the department store. Reasonable doubt, dear readers. There could be so many reasonable reasons why a middle-aged man would want a life-sized doll of Hannah Montana.

In my upcoming book, this snippet here will be expanded into a full-length chapter, tentatively titled ‘Mall Misunderstandings.’

By: A Mall Cop

* We inherit it from our job.

Mar
22

Dear readers,

You may have noticed that I just changed my gravatar from the default WordPress one to a cute cartoon of a mall cop. This is the artistic creation of an artist known to his internet friends as ‘Mula’. If you like his work and would like to contact him, you may do so here. I will forward all messages to him.

By: A Mall Cop With New Gravatar

Mar
21

So I was stationed at the toy section in the department store, when I heard a plaintive whine for help.

“Come on boys, you don’t want this Nerf gun! Look! It has only got 12 darts! You will only get bored with it. 12 darts won’t go far, boys. Let’s come back another day when they have better guns, okay?” whined the daddy with two boys.

Did I just hear an unsatisfied customer? Yes! I thought to myself. Now, even though I am a mall cop and I am sometimes forced to defy the wilful whims of shoppers, I like to see a satisfied customer just as much as any sales assistant out there.

So I approached the hapless trio, and helpfully pointed out the shelf (just behind the daddy) which was loaded with boxes and boxes of Nerf refill darts.

I beamed with professional pride as the two little boys squealed with delight (bless their little hearts!), and happily discussed their plan for this evening’s entertainment, which included their new Nerf guns and the family cat. As I helped carry the boxes of Nerf refill darts to the cashier, I observed that daddy seemed much less enthusiastic than his boys. In fact, he looked positively unhappy!

Why? I wondered. Sometimes, being helpful just doesn’t pay, I guess.

By: A Mall Cop

Mar
20

Mall Cop Failed In His Duty!

This one-liner blazed across the front page of my soul, after I failed miserably to stop a pair of cunning shoplifters.

It was midday at the mall, and as I was dutifully scanning the horde of shoppers for signs of criminal activities, a little girl (estimated to be about 6 year old) hopped cutely up to an older woman (probably her mother) who was standing idly by the exit. The girl brandished a pretty pink thermometer with cat motifs, and chattered excitedly to the matronly woman. She wanted to know what the ‘cute kitty thing’ does, and the lady was patiently explaining that it was a thermometer, same as ‘the one you saw at the doctor’s, darling’.

So basically, I saw a heartwarming scene of a daughter bonding with her mummy, and I let my guard down. And the thieving pair sprung into action. Half-way through her rendition of the functions of a thermometer, the matron, with a casual flick of her wrist, flung the thermometer into the large shopping bag by her feet. And without pausing, as if they weren’t just having a conversation a second ago, both matron and girl strode swiftly but nonchalantly toward the main exit.

And they were out of sight before I could even say ‘Hey did you pay for that?’.

In my defence, I beg the jury to consider that nobody would expect a 6-year-old and her mother to steal a thermometer (a very unlikely item to be selected by shoplifters). The time it took me to grasp the concept probably gave them the opening they needed to pull off the theft.

The team dynamics between them somehow reminded me of a Charles Dickens novel. Henceforth, the girl and her mother will be remembered as ‘Olivia Twist and Fagin’. What kind of monster would teach a 6-year-old to steal anyway? The kind that exists in a Dickens novel, of course.

This incident has prompted me to include a whole chapter on juvenile shoplifters in my upcoming book. Olivia Twist and Fagin shall get an honorable mention.

By: A Mall Cop