Mall Cop Diary
In(s)ane Ramblings Of A Mall Cop

I Caught A Pervert!

I only made one ‘arrest’ this week so it was a shame that I had to give it up.

There I was, minding my own business as I pace aimlessly up and down the floor of the main atrium when I spotted him.

For the annual Summer Fashion Extravaganza, the mall has dressed up mannequins in flowery summer dresses and displayed them on various raised platforms littered around the mall. Apparently, that will cause recovering shopaholics to have a relapse and make them go splurge on clothes that may or may not suit them but look so good on colorless plastic mannequins.

And from the the sea of benign gawkers, my finely honed mall cop eyes spotted a lone figure detached itself from the crowd and with the nonchalance of someone used to getting his own way, climbed up a platform. As I hurried over, the miscreant sat himself down directly above the bold ‘DO NOT SIT ON PLATFORM’ sign and in defiance of societal mores, started looking interestedly up the skirt of a helpless mannequin.

Fearing an outbreak of up-skirt voyeurism at the mall, I quickly moved in to nip this in the bud. Placing both hands on the platform, I leaned down and sternly told the miscreant he was in violation of Mall Regulations and that he should immediatly remove himself from the platform or else…

To impress upon him the gravitas of the situation, I took out my pen and notebook.

I was sure the miscreant was ready to cave when his mother stomped over to the platform, picked up her wayward 5-year-old, and apologized if Junior was any trouble. Then without another word, swiftly removed Junior from my custody.

By: A Mall Cop

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5 Responses to “I Caught A Pervert!”

  1. Ha, ha. You got me there. Nice one.

  2. How do you feel about those semi recent films, Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Observe and Report? Do you think they do justice to your profession?

    • To a certain degree, yes. I have only seen short clips of Observe and Report on Youtube, but I have watched the Paul Blart movie.

      I would say they did cover several issues pertinent to me (and my colleagues) but because it was a Hollywood movie and not a documentary, many things were left unsaid and of course they had to gloss over what’s real with dramatic necessity.

      For example, I enjoyed the little scene when Paul brought up the ‘guard vs. officer’ debate. He certainly summarized my colleagues’ feelings on that subject very well. They prefer to be called the more officious-sounding ‘officer’ rather than guard.

      But there’s an interesting background story explaining why ‘officer’ and not ‘guard’ which the movie did not (or could not?) bring up. That’s why I am going to. In my upcoming book.

      They (in the Paul Blart movie) did a nice job with the whole ‘power of arrest’ thing. When I was undergoing training to get my license, the instructors made a big fuss about this ‘power of citizen arrest’ that we have, always harping on the fact that as security officers, we have that power. And not once did they happen to mention that actually even the mall janitors (if they are also citizens) would have the same power as we do.

      Having said all that, there are still nastier but undramatic aspects of my job not covered in that movie, or in the other one I would bet. Since it was also a Hollywood production.

  3. whaaaa I was sucked into this one too! gave me a laugh, and I’m now severely wondering how if we have no malls here, you managed to find my five year old?
    (or apparently all five year old boys have similar interests)

  4. Oh I forgot to add, my Little Mr. is a perverted charmer, he cuddled up to a female family friend on the couch one day, then stood up, reached over, pulled open a little to top of her her tee-shirt, looked down it and said approvingly ” Boobies!” .
    Hubby laughed so hard he was in tears and had to leave the room, leaving me red faced and trying to tell off said kid whilst trying not to laugh.
    Believe me it wasn’t easy.
    Fortunately (phew) friend took it all well.


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