Mall Cop Diary
In(s)ane Ramblings Of A Mall Cop

I have a pimple

I have a pimple. It has severely affected my mall experience.

Pimple leads to self-consciousness, self-consciousness leads to doubt, doubt leads to fear, and fear leads to overtime for everyone. That in turn leads to everyone hating me.

You see, having a pimple on my face caused me to be extra sensitive to looks from the shoppers I am supposed to herd. That self-consciousness caused me to doubt and second-guess myself so often today that I couldn’t muster my usual authority.

Thus, when closing time came and I was once more picked to be gatekeeper, the asylum inmates who call themselves ‘shoppers’ could sense my weakness and they preyed upon it.

A grand total of 3 housewives, 5 teenage mall rats, family of 3 and an elderly gentleman with a walking stick got past me today. My worst night ever. The family of 3 in particular, stuck in my mind as the most obnoxious bunch of shoppers tonight. Daddy should thank his pram-bound twins for getting the Worst-Shopper award.

See, Daddy wanted to use the mall as a short-cut to the car park on the other side. I couldn’t allow that of course. Far too many of the sociopaths (who call themselves ‘paying customers’) have used that lousy excuse for some last minute shopping after closing time.

So Daddy plucked a baby from the pram, shoved Junior in my face and asked ‘Hey you wanna tell him we have to walk all around the mall to get to the car?’

I tried to muster my Mall Cop Stare*. But the baby looked at me. And laughed. I was sure it was laughing at my pimple.

I faltered and stepped back.

The Daddy, sensing an opening, pushed the pram in front of him in much the same way as a squad of soldiers would drive a battering ram, and bulldozed his way past me.

Later, as the pack of mall rats got past me, my colleague asked me if I was going to pay for their overtime if we all had to stay back late on account of all the late shoppers I was letting in.

By: A Pimply Mall Cop

*The history and effect of the Mall Cop Stare will be revealed in my upcoming book.

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One Response to “I have a pimple”

  1. I really laughed out loud at the baby laughing at your pimple! Good stuff! (P.S. I have a pimple today too, and I know exactly how you felt.)


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