Mall Cop Diary
In(s)ane Ramblings Of A Mall Cop

Chocaholics hate me

So I got picked to be the gatekeeper for mall closing again.

The winner for Worst-Shopper-Of-The-Day goes to this obese gentleman who got past me after lying about this ‘important item’ he’s supposed to collect from the store. Since he (and his wife) assured me repeatedly that they had already paid for it in advance and there’s some salesperson in there waiting for them to show up, I let them in.

Several minutes later, the gentleman who’s several calories away from a heart attack strolled past me, tipped me a wink and showed me the ‘important item’ he was supposed to pick up. It was a chocolate covered donut.

“Can’t sleep without my donut, ya know!” The lying glutton said cheekily.

And right after the donut addict left my sight, two tourists (from Philippines) came up to me and begged for ‘just 5 minutes’ to visit this upscale chocolate boutique. Yeah, like I was going to let in a couple of chocaholics to shop at the chocolate boutique after closing time. So I told them sternly ‘no way’, but they were like ‘yes way’.

I didn’t budge. After observing me drive off a few more besiegers, they changed their juvenile strategy (saying ‘come on’ repeatedly) to something more sophisticated. They tried to bribe me. One of them took out a 50 dollar note, and asked if I would like to take their money and buy them a box of chocolate. Their expression and tone suggested strongly that they wouldn’t mind if I kept the change.

WTF? They must be really desperate for that chocolate! I vowed to myself that I will visit the boutique and get some chocolate for myself when I am off-duty. The chocolate must be really good!

Anyway, I had to rudely decline their bribe. The ramifications of leaving the most crucial sentry position at the mall were too horrible to comprehend. Just one look at the horde of shopaholics besieging the mall was enough to convince me to stand my ground come what may.

“Oi! Lower the shutters!” yelled my supervisor.

And that’s my cue. I said ‘good night’ to the chocolate addicts, gave them some fake advice about going to ‘Chocaholics Anonymous’ and lowered the shutters. When they realized they definitely weren’t getting into the mall that night, one of them called me a ‘cruel poo head’ and said ‘I hate you’. She then stamped her feet and both of them walked prettily away into the moonrise.

By: A Mall Cop


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