Mall Cop Diary
In(s)ane Ramblings Of A Mall Cop

Sep
12

This older and rather more senior mall cop came to have a chat with me about “integrity” and “duty”.

It is an open secret that sometimes “corrupt” mall cops accept free donuts from retailers. Just one or two, mind you.

So this is the conversation I had…

Older mall cop: Ok. Suppose a retailer offers you a free donut? Would you accept that?

Me: A free donut? Well… I suppose there’s no harm…

Older mall cop: Ok. Now suppose that the above mentioned retailer offers you a free cake with frostings and chocolate sprinkles and asks you to HIDE A DEAD BODY FOR HIM AT THE MALL! Would you do it?

Me: What?!? No way! What?!? Why would I do that?!?

Older mall cop: Why not? You already accepted A FREE DONUT!!! Once you go down that path of free donuts, there’s no turning back. Once a corrupt cop, always a corrupt cop. First they ask you nicely to turn a blind eye to certain minor parking infractions, then the next thing you know, they give you a birthday cake and EXPECT YOU TO MURDER FOR THEM!!!

Me: ….

* Vimes is a cop in the Discworld universe.  Renowned for his integrity. Any criminal trying to bribe him will end up with broken fingers or worse. He has a Wikipedia entry devoted to him.

Jul
28

Hi there,

It has been a while since I last posted, hasn’t it? Way back in 2010, my intention was to get Mall Cop Diary published by Christmas, but unfortunately (or rather, fortunately) I got suckered into another writing project. One thing led to another, and before long, I stopped being a mall cop to write full-time.

The ordeal (of full-time writing) has been rather tedious, but exciting sometimes. Now that the dust has settled, I am thinking of getting back to the Mall Cop Diary project. After a reasonable period of rest of course. Very reasonable considering that my last foray into the world of full-time writing caused me to have a minor heart attack.

So yeah, I am still around. And there will be fresh mall stories to amuse you. And perhaps, one day, my year-long adventure in the world of full-time writing will be published as a novel.

~ A Mall Cop

May
19

Dear Readers,

I will be taking a short and temporary break from this blog to work on my upcoming book. Even though I am pleased to announce that the word count has reached 19,374 words, it is far from complete.

Thus, I am working extra hard this week and due to a personal tragedy also taking place this week, that unfortunately means no mall stories from last weekend.

I hope to get my book ready for publication by Christmas 2010, and while it appears so far away now, I must be constantly vigilant. Time likes to creep up on unsuspecting authors and surprise them.

~ A Mall Cop

May
08

At the start of the first X-Men movie, Nazi guards ruthlessly separated a young Magneto from his parents, paying no heed to their cries and emotional trauma, which incidentally helped the future super-villain manifest his latent mutant powers.

Today, I did the same thing. With that same Nazi coldness and professionalism, I too separated a young child from his mother.

It happened some time toward the end of my shift. Many mall employees were punching out and exiting via the staff entrance, and it was my pleasure to impede their progress with frivolous security checks. My suspicion was first aroused when I noticed one of the ‘employees’ was a great deal shorter than most. Perhaps because he was only 3, I reflected.

Apparently, it was Daddy who brought Junior to the mall for a treat. And to see Mommy at work of course. The plan was to have Daddy escort Junior out via the main entrance while Mommy fulfilled protocols by going through the security checks at the staff entrance. Unfortunately, Junior had other ideas, and despite parental objections, ran after Mommy to the staff entrance where he wasn’t supposed to be. Meanwhile, Daddy loitered just outside the door separating the public from the private domain of mall employees. He looked like he was having a quiet laugh at his wife’s expense, who was being stalked by the persistent 3-year-old.

With nominal power, we mall cops still have great responsibility unfortunately. Thus, it was up to me to remove the little one from his mother. And while the assembled company of mall employees looked on, Junior put on a performance loaded with much screaming, tugging and kicking.

Even as I gently but firmly led Junior toward his still laughing father, the increasingly violent brat kicked me in the shin. But for some inexplicable reason, even when it was obvious that I was the victim, the crowd sided with the delinquent who just assaulted a mall cop. Reproachful stares fixed on me like so many laser dots* and their cries of ‘Awww’ encouraged the boy to continue his rowdy performance.

When finally I delivered the boy to his father, our aspiring actor delivered his coup de grace. Dropping on both knees, he extended his tiny hands skyward as if begging for divine intervention and cried out plaintively for his Mommy. Fortunately, his hitherto ineffectual father had the good sense to pick up the wailing ‘bundle of joy’ and leave before the spectacle could go on further. Much to my relief and the disappointment of the gathered gawkers.

That boy could not obey orders but he could certainly work a crowd.

By: A Mall Cop

* The sort that comes from the laser sights mounted on rifles.

May
02

I only made one ‘arrest’ this week so it was a shame that I had to give it up.

There I was, minding my own business as I pace aimlessly up and down the floor of the main atrium when I spotted him.

For the annual Summer Fashion Extravaganza, the mall has dressed up mannequins in flowery summer dresses and displayed them on various raised platforms littered around the mall. Apparently, that will cause recovering shopaholics to have a relapse and make them go splurge on clothes that may or may not suit them but look so good on colorless plastic mannequins.

And from the the sea of benign gawkers, my finely honed mall cop eyes spotted a lone figure detached itself from the crowd and with the nonchalance of someone used to getting his own way, climbed up a platform. As I hurried over, the miscreant sat himself down directly above the bold ‘DO NOT SIT ON PLATFORM’ sign and in defiance of societal mores, started looking interestedly up the skirt of a helpless mannequin.

Fearing an outbreak of up-skirt voyeurism at the mall, I quickly moved in to nip this in the bud. Placing both hands on the platform, I leaned down and sternly told the miscreant he was in violation of Mall Regulations and that he should immediatly remove himself from the platform or else…

To impress upon him the gravitas of the situation, I took out my pen and notebook.

I was sure the miscreant was ready to cave when his mother stomped over to the platform, picked up her wayward 5-year-old, and apologized if Junior was any trouble. Then without another word, swiftly removed Junior from my custody.

By: A Mall Cop

Apr
28

2 artists have contributed their drawings for this contest. One of these designs will be chosen to be the cover design for my upcoming book, Mall Cop Diary. And the artist will become the Illustrator for my book as well. I have decided that some decent pictures will help accentuate the humor in my stories.

So please play your part in the success of my upcoming book and vote for your favorite design! Click on the images to view them in their full-sized glory.

Apr
25

Dear Mother-in-the-red-dress,

Please kindly refrain from playing hide-and-seek with your 3-year-old at the mall in future.

Yes, I quite agree that it is important for mothers and daughters to bond through fun activities. It was funny when you quietly tiptoed away and hid behind the pillar while she was hypnotized by the jetting fountain. And the look on her cherubic face when she turned around to find you ‘gone’ was indeed priceless.

In hindsight, the game should have stopped right there and then. The mall, being a public venue on a Sunday afternoon, was crowded. And surprise lurked around every corner, so you shouldn’t have been surprised when a bus-load of Japanese tourists suddenly cut in between you and your daughter for an impromptu photo-taking session in front of the fountain.

I agree that it was a stressful 15 minutes before we found your kid who had bolted like a scared deer when the noisy tourists started ‘firing’ their flashy cameras at each other. But I strongly disagree that it was somehow my fault that you lost your child while playing hide-and-seek with her by the fountain of a crowded mall. It was no place to be playing hide-and-seek to begin with.

I guess we both learned a valuable lesson today. I learned not to rush to help a distressed mother who might indiscriminately blame innocent mall cops for her own negligence, and I hope you learned that playing hide-and-seek with a 3-year-old baby stops being ‘cute’ when you can’t find her afterward.

A Mall Cop

Apr
24

Thank you for voting on whether if I should let the sales assistants off or not.

So when I returned to work today, I decided not to say anything about their little escapade. And to let them know I spared them the fate of employment termination, I smiled and nodded knowingly at them when they walked past my table in the staff canteen. It didn’t have the desired effect. They just ignored and walked past me with their food.

A Mall Cop

Apr
18

We had an ‘escape’ at the mall tonight.

It happened when I was performing sentry duty at the main entrance for mall closing. Several teenage employees slipped past me (from inside the mall) while my attention was focused on repelling the besieging horde of shopaholics outside.

It is not widely known among civilians, but mall employees are supposed to use the staff entrance/exit after they clock out. So acting according to mall traditions, I yelled at the three teenage miscreants to stop running. They stopped.

And turned around to tell me (rather cheekily) to mind my own business. I recognized them to be sales staff from the fashion boutique on the first floor. I couldn’t just leave my post to chase after the 3 remorseless miscreants, but their behavior puzzled me, so I had to ask.

You see, the time card machines are located right by the staff entrance, so wouldn’t it save both time and energy if they left by that way? When I asked them that, one clueless teenage employee made the Statement of the Year.

“Oh we got our mates to punch out for us!”

There you go. A confession straight from the horse’s mouth. They were working at the fashion boutique on the first floor which was a mere stone throw away from the main entrance, so that would explain why they would prefer the shortcut to the option of traveling all the way to the staff entrance at the other side of the mall.

As I watched them run away to freedom, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the prominent sign hanging over the time card machines which reads: “Employees who are caught punching time cards for their co-workers will be terminated IMMEDIATELY!”

So the question now is, should I turn them in or not? Due to the nature of our job, we mall cops do not always get along with other mall employees, and 2 major Mall Wars (I and II)* have already been fought between the various factions. This would be a good opportunity to score one for the team (so to speak).

By: A Mall Cop

* The stories of Mall War I and II will be told in my upcoming book.

Apr
17

Today, I learned not to jump to conclusions.

What with the popularity of cop shows, it was rather easy for me to assume the sales girl just murdered an unreasonable shopper who wouldn’t buy any cosmetics from her when I found a piece of bloody clothing in her bag. However, as it turned out, the bloody panties just meant that she’s having her period and had to change underwear during her shift.

This story is going into my upcoming book as a full-length chapter.

By: A Suspicious Mall Cop

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.